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http://www.sfgate.com/flat/archive/2008/02/05/chronicle/archive/2008/02/05/BAM5US1B5.html?tsp=1

I heard some interesting stats while in church on Sunday. I wanted to share these with everyone.

We are often driven by our material possessions, by collecting and hording wealth. The reality is that most of us in the US live in the top tier of the wealthiest people in the world. Here are some startling statistics.

-If you make 30K per year you are within the top 6% of wage earners in the world. That means you make more than 94% of the world's people. (This of course does not take into account benefits. Many of us make 30K+ and have substantial benefits in the form of retirement, health insurance, disability etc.)

-If you make 45K per year you are within the top 1% of wage earners in the world. That means you make more than 99% of the world's people. (Again, this does not include benefits)

I don't know about you, but I know I could donate more of my time and money various causes.

Hillary Clinton won last night. Why am I for Hillary? Well, I am looking at this whole election as a job interview. As the people of this country we are responsible for looking at the resumes, adding up the points and finding the person who can best complete the job. Obama might be charismatic, but does he have the desired resume? I don't care for a president who I would have coffee with? I don't want a pal, buddy or a comedian. I want an effective leader. I believe that Hillary is that. I have reviewed her resume. It doesn't have everything that I would like to see, but it does have extremely important pieces with the knowledge and power behind them. She is a brilliant speaker, something that Bush was horrible at. (I haven't watched one of his speeches in over 6 years because he gives me too much anxiety).

I am worried about this appeal for emotion and a buddy in our national leader. In a recent poll, in NYC people were asked if Hillary Clinton should show more emotion as a means to get elected?

I love this quote I found in the paper
"This whole showing emotion issue reveals a very bad tendency in American politics right now...If voters weren't so focused on emotion, Bush never would have been elected a second time." David Novak, 38 Halem

This is what I fear (another quote in the paper)
"She should show as much emotion as possible. It shows the voters that she did not go completely numb after the Monica Lewinsky scandle."


Now, here is my other thought...It's a tricky line between showing emotion and seeming 'too feminine' for the political world. By this I mean, male attributes are regarded favorably in the business world. People don't look for emotion as it shows weakness. (I don't believe that showing femininity is a sign of weakness, but this is the generalized concept in the world). Going on this idea of how the world works, Hillary is walking a fine line between seeming 'human' and 'personable' by showing emotion and showing 'too much' emotion and seeming less powerful, less capable as a woman. It's so fucked up. One miss step and she is screwed. As a woman she is expected to show more emotion, but if she does will it then hurt her chances for the presidency? Not showing emotion might have cost her the Iowa prim. What a complicated situation. I hope she has a good social sex and gender theorist on her campaign team.

Go HILLARY CLINTON!!!



1. I had a consultation with Stanley Taub. He's amazing. He is going to do my whole top surgery for 5K flat. I just need to take off a Friday afternoon so that I can get it done.

2. Mel and I ordered some beautiful pics for our house, we got a new bed set, and some decorations. The next big expense is going to be a flat screen TV for the livingroom and a game system (I need to figure out which one I want)

3. I'm still working on the contacts issue. I have tried a few and I can't seem to find one that is moist enough and comfy. The doc and I are still working on it.

4. New Years was fab. Mel and I went to an awesome potluck, followed by a party and finishing at a club. It was perfect.

5. C-mas was amazing and my whole family was really good with the name and pronoun stuff. (It took them long enough). This was the first cmas that I really felt connected cause I could be me and be fully respected for being me.

6. My new video camera is back ordered.

7. Work rocks!! Maybe I will be a full Chief Financial Officer some day.

8. Eleanor and I are still working on our article. We got a message from the Journal of Homosexuality. One of the readers was confused by our topic so he wrote, "The authors do not have a clear concept of sex and gender." I found that hilarious as Eleanor has written several articles, owns her own diversity training company, and teaches some of the most progressive Sex, Gender and Sexuality classes in the vein of Sociology. I have a great deal of personal and professional experience as well. I have decided to create a shirt that says.... "Please Help, I'm a Trans Guy and the Journal of Homosexuality Concluded that I don't Understand the Concept of Sex and Gender."

9. Eleanor and I are also working on two books. I'm not posting the details at the moment, but I will be sending a request out for personal narratives in a few weeks. We are working with a few different people and I need the formal ok to start sending stuff out.

10. I need to pick up a tux this weekend for the black tie event on Jan 24th.

11. My mom is doing really well. She has been doing things on her own and working out a lot. This makes me very happy.

12. A good friend C is coming to visit and I can't wait.

13. Mel's entire Americorp group is coming for an Americorp reunion in NYC and they are all staying with us. I'm excited about this.

I nailed the interview this morning. It felt really good. This is the forth interview that I have nailed in the past few weeks. The opportunities are looking good. Out of the 5 resumes/cover letters that I submitted I got interviews for all but one. The one I didn't get an interview for was a position in North Carolina.

I am still waiting to hear about an application that I submitted yesterday.

Life is looking good!!

YIPPIE! YIPPIE! Life just gets better and better and better. I have a job interview next Friday. I am so excited. I have a lot of prep work to do before that point, but I think this is going to be a good thing. No matter if I get it or not, it is an interview and that is what matters. Mel is defending her thesis at this moment. I know that she is going to do great. Life is looking up.

I have a doctor's appointment in the morning. Oh boy! Let's see how that goes.

Poll #927892 What should I be when I grow up?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 13

What should I go back to school for?

Hey Everyone,
I've had some people post some mean spirited things and anit-trans stuff on my LJ so I wanted to make it friends only. If you want to be added I am totally willing to add people. I wanted to do this LJ so people could see what was going on in my life as I am away from Colorado. I'm so sorry that I have to change it to friends only, but if you want to be added just send me a comment and let me know.

Thanks,
Cam

This journal was designed for friends and family members to know about my thoughts and experiences as I am away from home. All entries will be 'friends only' or private from now on. I'm sorry to do this to everyone.

Peculair and Recondite Situation with a Towel


Mel and I know this couple. They are a lesbian couple with two kids. Their house is up in the hills above one of the beaches. Anyway, we watched their house a few months back. In watching their house, we did our laundry there and one of their towels got misplaced into our laundry. We found the towel when we were putting our laundry away. It wasn't anything special. We called them immediately and informed them that we had their towel. Well, it has been a few months. With all of the stuff with work, island craziness and holidays the towel has remained in our storage closet.

Today, we went to the coffee shop that our friends own. One of the members of this couple (the people we house sat for) tore us apart in the shop. She made all of these accusations and refused to let us talk. At the end, Mel tried to get clarification on the situation and discuss the issues of hurt and trust and this woman got up and walked away. She was all upset over the towel issue. Honestly, I think she was really upset cause we tend to spend time at another coffee shop that is not her's.

Mel and I went back to the house got the towel, wrote a note and dropped it off at the coffee shop. Mel tried to talk with her, but she refused. What a wild situation. I think I am still confused over the whole thing. I am not sure why she was so angry or what it all really pertains to.

It's sad cause this woman tends to have issues with everyone here. She is a hard person to be friends with. At least Mel and I did what we needed to do.

Whatever the situation was, it has reminded me that there are effective ways and non-effective ways to deal with confrontation. It has reminded me that different things impact people in different ways. Sometimes, we do things that unintentionally hurt others. (I know that I have done this, even in the past few days)

I have been trying to get things set with my doc and stuff to get back on T and get my life organizated and such. Anyway, I was told today that I need to have been in counseling for the past two years to start T. I said that I was on T previously for almost two years, but the doc informed me that I have to have a recent therapist diagnosis.

For those who don't know, I stopped T for a number of reasons. Most of them were health related. Since then, I have been doing research and changing my life to be more health conscious. This means no drinking, eating healthy, using Yoga, Tantra, meditation, working-out EVERY day. Plus, I have been workin on ways to go off my other meds. Overall, the other major concern is an issue with HPV.

I was diagnosed with HPV awhile ago after a abnormal pap. This is the strain that causes cervial cancer. I had a biopsy done in Dallas, Texas 6 months ago and things were ok. I have to have a retest when I return to Colorado on December 21st. At the same time my liver enzymes didn't look good and my cholesterol was above 215. I did not have health insurance and couldn't afford the routine checks taking T and all the other stuff. Plus, I have a heart condition that I need to watch. Anyway, I went off T to get in touch with myself and deal with some of these issues. My doc recommended that I seriously consider stopping T to get the other stuff under control.

Now that I am ready to be on T full force I can't get back on T? What is this? Hopefully, something will come through. I have not had a therapist for trans stuff in 5+ years. Yes, this was a process that I started before I turned 20. I am currently trying to track down my former therapist to see if she would write me an updated letter.

I don't understand why I need to see a therapist for my gender stuff. Plus, there are no competent therapists here in the VI in regards to trans stuff. It's hard cause I tend to rely on meditation, prayer, family, journaling etc. to work this stuff out.

I know why I had to stop and I know why I want to go back on. I know the effects. I know the challenges. It sucks that I have to get another letter. It seems that I will have to pay to educate a therapist around transgender issues.

After I got off the phone with the doc, I just broke down and cried. I can't wait two years.

Special Brownies in a Vegan Yoga Dance Studio


First, I have to mention that the Broncos suck! They lost last Sunday night. The game was on too late so I couldn't watch, but I did get to have a good time out with some friends. Mel and I spent the previous day with a very prominent member of a Catholic church on this island. She happens to be gay. This woman is awesome. Her accent is really cool and she is totally in shape for someone who is in her mid 40s. We chilled at the Vegan restaurant and then headed back to her jeep and drove down to the other side of the island to get some soy icecream and check out a rasta restaurant.

Mel and I were supposed to hang out at the beach, but our plans got shifted. I did some painting while Mel made me lemonade. Yes, I do like traditional gender norms stuff. Then in the evening, we went down to the Lalita (vegan, yoga, dance studio) to check out a private party that we were invited to. There weren't many people, but we had a good time and shared some brownies. (This was a first for me). It was a good experience that led us into a nice night.

Last night, Mel and I watched Venus Boys. Although I have met many of the people in the film it didn't seem to do them justice. Honestly, I didn't enjoy it that much. I'm not saying that it sucked, but it wasn't good. We also did our laundry and I totally got hit on which felt really good. I wasn't interested cause I have the best woman (sunflower) in the world, but it still felt good to be checked out.

Thanksgiving is going to be interesting. Mel and I are spending time with our Catholic school friend. Her mom is coming out her and she is going to make jumbo. Two of our other friends are also going with us. One is a recovering alcoholic and Nick is a fun guy who is also from Colorado. It feels nice to have some good guy friends.

Mel and I will be flying into Colorado in a little under a month. I can't wait. Since we have three weeks off, we are thinking that we might do another trip to San Francisco or Chicago. We haven't decided which place to go or if it will be practical. Personally, I really want to spend New Years in San Francisco. Some of my family members are heading down to New York for New Year's so we might also do that. It's all up in the air at the moment.

It looks like we will be moving into the new building on Monday. The furniture has arrived and things are looking ok.

I am running into the office to pack the little things that I have on my desk. This is the first time in 7 months that I am happy that my co-worker takes up 98% of OUR office with her shit. Yes, it really is shit. She has so much junk. It made packing a really easy process for me. Mel and I strapped on masks and charged into the office packing up shit and now we are retreating to the outside. The office is full of mold. It gives you a wild headache and crazy ichy skin. Yuck! I'm sorry that I haven't been updating this thing, but I was sick for the past 7+ days. I will write more later.

Cam

My throat is sore. My head hurts. It seems that mold has entered into the office and taken over the space. We are going home early today and hopefully we will not be in the office for the rest of the week. I sure hope that this is the case. I have to do a presentation tonight and I have a Behavior Modification training tomorrow.

I have decided that I will be going to the VICARE Halloween party as a Twink. For those who don't know what a twink is, it is a young sexually attractive gay male in his late teens to early twenties. I will be wearing a tight pair of cut-off shorts, a tight shirt and sweet facial hair. (I'm not sure if this costume is really a costume. Well, I would never wear that type of clothing, but I am fairly gay)

Mel is dressing up in drag as a doctor. Yes, she is going to be my sugar daddy and I will be her faggy twink. As Jordan would say, 'gay, gay, gay...I mean really.' I am totally missing my gayness. I am missing rainbows and wild queer people.

I heard that it is snowing in Colorado. It's kinda cold here, well, not really, but it is raining. I'm tired and ready to have a day off. I wish I was sleeping in bed in Colorado curled up with my sunflower. Sunflowers don't like the snow.

I was thinking about old times and my crazy life...

When I was at a bar and women would ask me how I identified I used to say, "I can be gay if you need it, trans if you want it, or straight if you can't take it. What I really want to say is that my dick is as big as you need it, as hard as you want it and it comes in every color, shape or texture that you might want to try. Are you up for the best orgasm you have ever had? Wait, I think I will make you scream by not touching you below the waist."
The music would be blasting and I would whisper this into her ear. She would smile and I could see her lungs fill with air.
"Are you up for pleasure?" She wouldn't say a thing as I took her by the waist and led her into the ally, my car, her place, or anywhere else that was semi private.

It always seemed to work. In my study of sex and the art of pleasuring I have learned how to make my partner cum without touching them below the waist. I have learned how to engage in a number of SM techniques, plus I have learned how to read my partner's every breath, move and sound.

In the past few months, I have not found excitement in sex. It is not the partner situation, but I have been depressed and out of sorts in terms of my own body and identity. I am working on getting back some of my love for myself. It is hard to love another when you aren't sure that you love yourself. I am so lucky to have a partner who respects and understands me. I know that it can be really hard to be with a trans guy who struggles with depression and body image issues.

Does anyone have any ideas for how to connect with the self and learn to love your body again?

I like the office today. So far, it has been really quiet. I have a million thing to do, but I am tired this week. Carmen is out of the office this morning. Our upstairs neighbor decided to go crazy at midnight. He was slamming things against the wall. Mel and I think that him and his girl broke up.

There is this girl named Ryan who is obviously into me. It feels good to have someone like me on this island. Yes, I do get some pleasure out of knowing that I am attractive to some people. I don't feel very attractive on this island. I am 'too' out for people to want me. Anyway, it seems that she has a boyfriend, but she is obviously a dyke. She has semi-short blonde hair with a lip piercing. I was thinking that she was a cool person until Mel and I went to a house party this past weekend and she was smoking, drinking and acting shaddy. I think she was kinda pissed at me for not returning her advances. I still think she might be a cool person, but I think she is in a hard place at the moment and that she is really confused with her life and her sexuality. This is not the place to 'explore' your sexuality. I also met this kid named Nick. He is a cool guy. I miss positive masculinity. I miss it in bio women, trans men, and non-trans men. Most of the masculinity here is hurtful. It involves using women, beating them, beating animals and maintaining a tough persona.

I had a crazy dream the other night that I got stabbed. I was waiting for Mel to get home and this guy came in and stabbed me. I was bleeding into the matress. It all seemed so vivid. I tried to call 911 and I couldn't get through, so I called my mom. I mustered up enough strength to tell her to call 911. She didn't want to let me go, but I told her that the only thing she could do at the moment would be to get someone to my apartment.

Mel put Carmen (my manager) in her place. Mel isn't afraid to stand up to people and to let them know what she thinks and feels. It's nice to have another person on staff who fights for what she believes in. Mel and I were forced to go to the Halloween planning committee meeting last night. It was interesting to see so many (8) gay people in one location. Wait. I forgot. They don't identify as gay, bi or queer. We can't talk about same-sex or same-gender loving issues. We can't discuss homophobia, because there are no homos on this island. Respecting culture is one thing, but silencing voices is against my sense of self and the world I live in.

Anyway, Carmen was pissed last night because the director informed her that she would be doing HIV testing at the party. I think that testing at the beginning of the party is a great idea. We have 600 people at the party and in the first few hours they are not intoxicated. People don't like to get tested at clinics or health facilities so why not do testing at our major fundraiser? Carmen was pissed she let us all know that she would do the testing and leave immediately afterwards. Given that she is a Santeria (Voodoo) practicer, I told Mel that I bet we would be in her practice(s) tonight. I may joke around it, but I do think it is scary. It's really the fear of the unknown. Isn't that what we are always afraid of? I wanted to let everyone know that my manager looks like the sea witch in The Little Mermaid. From now on she shall be known as the Voodoo Sea Witch.

Birthdays Suck!
My birthday is coming up and I really only want one thing. I want to be with my family and friends on that day. I want to go out to dinner with my mom like we have done every year of my life since I can remember. Not this year. I don't care about the presents or the money. All I want is to be home. The wound is raw. I've been here for nearly 6 months. It is a breaking point.

I was hopeful for my birthday. I was hopeful that Mel, Pal and I would find something to do that would help this wound. It's 10:00am and I just found out that Mel gets to attend a training. I was so excited for her. It's nice to get off this rock frequently, but my excitment quickly turned to pain. It seems that the training that she might attend starts on November 6th. This means that she will be leaving on November 5th. November 5th is my birthday. Instantly, tears came rolling down my eyes. I had to walk away. I had to catch myself and still be professional.

I gotta keep telling myself that it's not that big of a deal. It's really not. It's just another day. It's another day in the calendar year, another moment of time, and another moment of my life. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal. My wound is dripping with blood. Salt has been pounded into it, but I can survive on my own. Sometimes it is best to survive on your own and be your own best friend. You can only disappoint yourself, and you have the power to change that.

Fuck my 25th birthday! At least I will be back in Colorado on December 20th and I can have dinner with my mom, a football day with my family, and spend time with my friends. Maybe on the actual date I will take myself out to dinner, grab something sweet and watch Pirates of the Caribbean with my dog and call some of my friends in Colorado. Afterall, Pal is always there for me.

Today I woke up. I climbed out of bed staggering as I made my way to the bathroom. I stood over the toilet like I was ready to piss. I looked down to make sure the seat was up, then I started to freak out. I noticed that my naked chest had two lumps of flesh and that the item I was fumbling for in my pants didn't exist. My heart started to pump fast and I began to freak out. Thoughts kept flooding through my mind. "What the hell happened last night that I woke up in this girl body?" After a few seconds it all came back to me. Who I am in my dream world is not who I am in my physical world.

As I walked back to the bedroom feeling totally defeated I began to tell Mel about my self encounter. She asked me if I dream myself as a boy at night. I looked at her startled at the question. It seemed so wild. It never occured to me that the me inside the dream world of my life is always a guy. I spend 8 hours as a female a day, 8 hours as a gender variant genderqueer, trans boy and 8 hours as a guy. Perhaps, the best time of my life is spent sleeping.

I have a million things to do today. I think it will all work out though. Mel is still waiting to see if she has a job at VICARE. I am also waiting. Pal is sleeping under my desk. Mel had her blood taken yesterday. She hasn't been feeling well. Seriously, both of us have been a little off of normal. I think it might be the heat, but the doctor seems to think that it is some form of virus. Hopefully, it will get all taken care of asap.

Mel and I signed up for a joint checking account. That's a big step in a relationship. I sent letters out to several of my friends yesterday and I sent a package out to my family.

In a few minutes I have to leave work to go to King's Hill School. I am playing sports with the kids and then I will be returning to VICARE to be dropped off at the Children's Center. Today is a busy day. Tonight is another Taste for Life Day. Another co-worker has flaked on the day and it appears that I might be doing another Taste for Life. I don't want to do that. Yuck!

The doctor that Mel went to is interested in working with me around transgender stuff. I'm not sure where I want to go with all that. I just know that I need to get healthy first. Plus, I need to get off some of my other meds so that I can start the transition process again.

Well, I gotta get back to stuff.